Today sucked. I had yet another panic attack and then I got a migraine after my manager forced me to re-do the same report four times because she couldn't be bothered to respond to my emails in a timely manner. Grr. All I want to do is curl up somewhere and maybe sleep, but I can't get comfortable. Everything makes me uncomfortable and impatient. I ( Read more... )

Tomorrow, I will have been out of the hospital year. So what happens to me today? I have a massive panic attack at work that last for hours, all the way home. Have you ever felt like you can't breathe, the world is ending, and your internal organs are being squeezed at the same time? That's what my panic attacks feel like. I can't stand to be ( Read more... )

Life has been so unbearably depressing lately that I really don't know how I'm making it through the day anymore. I could care less about work for the most part. Every day, I go there and do all my programming mindlessly. I know that even if I fuck something up, they won't fire me because I'm the only programmer they have right now. My manager owes ( Read more... )

It's been fourteen days since I've updated this thing. I read in some business magazine that once you get past the 10 day point, people lose interest in your blog. This is probably true. Of course, it would help if I ever had anything interesting to say in the first place. Let's see ( Read more... )

As the L was heading toward the Adams stop yesterday, this guy tapped my shoulder and asked me something. I didn't hear what he said, because I had my headphones on, so I took them off, smiled and asked him to repeat himself. He was wondering if this train went to O'Hare. Seeing as how we were on the Pink Line, which only goes to 54/Cermak, I said ( Read more... )

I have been extremely irritable. I think this is largely because I'm hitting the downside of a manic swing. In order to not go completely off my mood stabilizer in-between insurances and psychiatrists, I've been cutting down the dosage gradually. Even so, I've gone from 600 mg a day to 100 mg a day, which is pretty close to taking nothing at all. ( Read more... )

I used to dress very punk-rock, to reflect my inner-self. I was all tattoos and wild hair colors and spikes and leather and chains and plaid and faded concert T-shirts. I hardly ever wore make-up, and if I did, it was usually black eyeliner and/or some kind of very sparkly eyeshadow in a very dark shade of purple or something. Today, I found and ( Read more... )

This insomnia is slowly driving me insane. I’m so fucking tired all of the time, but I can’t sleep, not really. When I do sleep, I have fucked-up dreams that do not make for a restful time at all. Last night, I had a dream about my grandma, who has been dead for seven years now. In my dream, I was asleep on the couch, but I could hear my mom ( Read more... )

I’m up to my current therapeutic dosage of Lamictal now and it makes me so tired all of the time. Every day, around this time, I feel like taking a nap, and then again in the afternoon. It’s ridiculous. The day I start work, my new health insurance kicks in and I am so asking someone to put me on Abilify again because that was the only thing that ( Read more... )

My dad is basically driving me crazy with this whole car situation, no pun intended. We have gone to look at cars no less than three times since I found out that I have this job. Every time, he hems and haws and bullshits with the salesman before walking away. I’m like, you know, I’m paying for the fucking thing, why can’t I just go and buy it ( Read more... )